Deeply Personal, no need to read this, move on

Sometimes in life, we see ourselves for who we really are, flaws and all.  Some people don’t seem to ever see their own flaws, while others don't seem to be able to see their strengths.  Long ago, I realized that I was able to do both.  Unfortunately for me, I also realized that others had this ability to see these things in me as well.  My flaws were transparent to me, as well as others.  I felt like I was at the beach wearing a speedo (and for those of you who know what I look like, it is just THAT frightening).

See, being a Christian should mean a healthy self-esteem.  The reality that I was created perfectly with flaws should give me the ability to appreciate that God made me flawed for a reason.  This should lead to me knowing that he still loves me and created me this way and should help me accept myself, speedo and all.

Sadly, I can’t say I do.  I can’t understand why I battle every day and lose.  I should have Victory in Him and yet I seem to habitually have failure by myself.  He has given me everything, His love, wonderful family, great friends, and even a purpose that I am able to fulfill.  However, I feel so much like I fail all of them daily.  Being a Christian should mean joyful servant hood without need for recognition and praise.  For me it is miserable selfishness and sloth with need to be praised and respected despite not earning it.

The worst part is that there are solutions I seem too selfish or lazy to take advantage of.   And that is what hurts the most.  I know I need to work harder, read the Bible more, and be deeper in prayer and in my relationship with Him, yet I never seem to be able to do it.  See, I KNOW it can be done.  I can do better.  I just wish I knew why I wont.  I am sick of failing all those who love me so much, and I can't understand why I can't overcome my own lazyiness to do it for them.  I have no choice but to keep trying to change.  Keep trying to get myself to succeed.  Keep holding on to the hope that with God I can do everything.  Sometimes I think getting me to where he wants me to be will be a miracle greater than any he has ever performed.  I hope someday to read this and smile knowing that He did it.  For now, I pray daily that my kids see their father and learn not to be like him.  My only hope is that they learn to not want to be like me.  Someday, I hope to want to be like myself.